Feeling sad again...22 Oct 2010

I called u when I arrived home, but u are dining out. I guess u are with your friends. So, u don't wanna talk much. I feel said. I keep asking myself do I like u? Do I love u? Or I just want to in a relationship with someone? Are you the one for me from god?? I really dunno and dun have confident. You seems so cold to me. I am afraid u will forget my birthday. I won't received anything from you. Am I really the person that you love? I heard you said 'I love u' when you were on my bed. Is it that's why you said you love me? I am lost. Am I thinking too much? If I ask you, you must say 'yes, you are thinking too much!'
I wanna give up this relationship, this is not he firs time I hunk of it. I feel unsecured. Unsafe. Feeling sad more than I feel happy. I hate myself laughing b'cuz of u, and crying b'cuz of you, too.
My emotion just totally following you. I hate myself being like this. I don't feel like you like or love me anymore. I am the one always trying to make you happy. I sent you e-card, send you SMS, sent you voice message, send you email every morning when I back to work. What have you done to me? If I am not sending you email by 1pm then may be you will ask am I being sick or busy. You keeping telling me it's expensive to call me during peak time. Everything seems unsure from you. When I ask when is the next time you are planning to come over to visit me, you said depends on do you have money. Keep telling me that it's expensive to come over to visit me. It's frustrate me a lot when you say that. I feel like I am not important to you.  You don't care about me. When I call you, seems you always busy. I need someone be my company. I need someone to spend time with me. When you are talking with me through skype, you always doing something else. I don't really like this. I need your full attention. Not searching online and talking to me on the same time. I need 100% of you. But seems you hardly to do it to me. Crying seems a bit more than before we start our relationship. Am I doing things right? Should we be together? I'm not sure...

I miss u much... 19 Oct 2010

I wanna call u now, however u are at work and I think you must be busy on your work, so don't wanna bother u.>< I wish we are close by, and I can meet up with u all the time. I also feel guilty that I didn't login to my skype last night. When I received your msn message this morning. I feel bad. I wad thinking to call u. Then I remembered last time when I call u in the morning, your voice make me feel so cold. Like u a almost want to loose your temper. That's really stopped my desire to call u.
I got a question in my heart, do u miss me? Do u love me? I haven't hear the sweet word form u for a long time. It makes me feel we are so far away, not only physically, but also our heart.
I keep thinking should we end this relationship? It's hard for me and for u ad well. I am looking forward to see u in march 2011. I feel exciting about it, but seems you are not. You said why I am coming back as I have to stay longer to compensate the waiting period of my PR. Seems u want me to come back as earlier to hk as I can. However, u didn't promise me anything. You didn't tell me that u wanna merry me in the future. Although I know we just start this relationship. Your promise will keep me feel safe. I dunno why we have start this relationship, really.. dunno.. Why u choose me.
I also have another feeling that, when u look at me from a distance, I may attract u in some point. However, when u get closer to me, know what I've been doing, and know me more than before, will u start to regret your decision? Regret u did come over to visit me and start this relationship?
I'm afraid u dun like or love me anymore. Can u please tell me what do u think? Mood: depressed

Your semester starting tonight....

I feel sorry that I didn't really talk to you last night, as you realise I am sleeping.. and said I am responding tooooo slow.. haha

so, end up we just talked on the phone around 2-3 mins and I fall back to sleep again.

Tonight is the first night you back to study, and it starts from 6:30-9:30, that's mean I will have even less time to talk to you. Unless I call you in between you off-work and before your course start. Will see how does it goes.

Feeling good today!! miss you, love you and living without you for 84 days already.

"I love you more than words can say"

I have received some gifts from Hong Kong today. Pillow, Dessert book, Mentholatum and Nasal Inhaler and some stuffs for I-touch, which all are surprised!! Feeling be loved!!

On Jul 13 '10, I received the gift ordered by John, which he had ordered an iTouch for me. I was so happy. However, since then does he knows that how many nights I had tears on my face when I m alone.

I keep telling myself to thinking positive, it's really hard to do it.

I was thinking to give up in this relationship, also trying to encourage myself to change prespective, and keep telling myself that he loves me. Like the back of the iTouch stated "I love u more that words can say... By john' but I found that it's getting harder and harder to convince myself.

Father god, I know that everything is in your control. I don't Have to worry anything. So I am going to lift up all the burdens related to this relationship to you lord. I ask for peace in my mind and joy in my heart. I pray that I can fall asleep without tears. All my prayers in Jesus name, amen!